Some Creature Fear

The older I get the more I'm slowly starting to realize how vulnerable I am. Part of me wants to ignore, and continues to ignore how fragile I've become. Like a fool, I think I'm some indestructible thing, a little statue of stone braving all forms of violent weather. Imperishable. Untouchable. In my little bubble of thoughts and feelings. I keep thinking that I'll be okay and recover from whatever small disaster I may encounter like I did when I was 19. Granted, I do to an extent. I always do don't I? And even now I'm denying it.

And yet.

Some part of me just doesn't revive even after the tiniest undoing.

You'd think that after almost dying (age 20) and battling my way through a four year kaput relationship (age 23) I'd be able to take these little stabs and letdowns with grace and ease. It should be natural by now.

And yet. There is no grace to my disappointment.

I have no clear answer for why I am continually unable to ignore the things that happen to me.

And as my drunken neighbors scream and yell at each other over blaring car alarms and ambulance sirens this early morning, I have to realize that as much as I desire to remain unscathed in this strange world, it isn't possible.

That being said, I'll leave you with some Neutral Milk Hotel lyrics floating around in my head, from In the Aeroplane over the Sea

What a beautiful face

I have found in this place

That is circling all around the sun

And when we meet on a cloud

I'll be laughing out loud

I'll be laughing with everyone I see

Can't believe how strange it is to be anything at all