Alarmed and Un-Ready as Birds Fall From The Sky

So this is the New Year. Here it is, in all it’s blazing 65 degree weather on the West coast, and snow flurries on the East. It has met me full force this year, this semester, this week. As January comes to a close today, and February begins tomorrow, I feel pathetic, unaccomplished, and engulfed with the undeniable feeling that I’m a young person growing old with each hour, each day, each moment. Now, if that isn’t perky, I don’t know what is. I am struck dumb with the way this year has already taken hold of me. I was in a lull for a month I pulled a disappearing act as I lived in North Carolina again, encountering some weird time lapse, glimpses of an alternate universe. The trip became for me a momentary backward glance at something not so pleasant. I stepped back to a life I could have had, a life that was confusing, uninteresting, and essentially lifeless. More than anything, I felt as if I didn’t belong. As If I was just some weird foreigner, or maybe even a lost tourist that doesn’t know what the hell they’ve gotten themselves into, as they frantically search for the closest exit, and move on. Daily we’re faced, I’m faced, with the lovely questions of what it is we’re doing with ourselves, our minds, our purposes. What are our intentions? Will we purchase a car, a house, will we travel will we teach? Will we marry will we have kids? Will we finally be ready to let go of school? Will we attend a party a baby shower? Will I ever be able to properly express myself without a tinge of cynicism and anger, of regret and sadness? Will we always be stuck here in this stupid moment of indecision, consistently unable to have the guts to drag ourselves out of it? I don’t fucking know. What New Year or New Day will it take for me to make these decisions, to make these life altering determinations to just get on with my life, to stop regressing and just live.

And I say all this as if it means something, as if it really has any bearing on how I’m going to live my life this semester, this year.

We’ll see.

Until next time.