Infinitely Incomplete

I think everyone is going crazy at the moment, whether it is that their lives are shattered and deficient because of some relationship gone awry, or the situation is something more practical: Like cramming for exams. I feel like there’s this mad rush to hurry and do everything all at once, like we’re in a hurry to grow up, and graduate, and be an adult. I’m afraid that all I’ll really be in another, oh, say-what, TWO YEARS…is a kid, not knowing what I’m going to do, where I’m going with my life, and what I really want out of life. What I’m really afraid of is that when I finally get what I have always strived for or worked towards, and even if it’s just something that I’ve always liked and have worked hard at: I won’t desire whatever it is that I wanted anymore. I’m afraid the person that I am now, will be a totally different person two years from now. A person with different ideas, beliefs—a different Ryan. I’m not too sure I want that.

So the end result makes me feel rather disappointed with everything I’ve ever done. It all just feels pointless.

This semester is almost over. It’s gone by really fast, and the winter has just started, and the nights have just begun to get darker, longer, and colder.

It’s almost Christmastime, quite possibly the loneliest time of the year. Maybe that’s why I’ve never liked Christmas that much?

Contrary to popular belief, I like all the goofy sweaters and frosty snow.

The hot cocoa with marshmallows on top.

Reading a book so late into the night that my eyes hurt the next morning.

Finishing that book in one night.

Watching Christmas movies and falling asleep by the fire late at night.

Staring at the Christmas tree lights until my vision is blurred, and the remainder is just an angelic glow.

The crunching of ice and snow beneath my feet, and falling down in it.

The sound of wind-shield wipers wiping away snow and sleet from frozen windshields.

Sitting in a cold car shivering, waiting for that one blast of heat, the one that gets your fingers warm enough to put the car into gear and go.

Being outside and looking up at the stars so long until I can’t feel my toes.

The glow of the Christmas lights blurring by in my car window as I’m driving nowhere and ending up somewhere.

All those great infinite feelings. And all of those I’ve experienced by myself.

These are all great things that I love about Christmas.

And everybody says I hate Christmas. Maybe it’s possible for me to love and hate Christmas. That’s not entirely true. I’m no scrooge. It’s just at times I don’t like Christmas that much, because makes me sad for some inexplicable reason.

Because even when I’m not alone, I feel alone.

I really wasn’t trying to go off into some crazy, sleep deprived tangent. It wasn’t supposed to turn out like that at all, but it did.

I’m going to New York right before Christmas: December 19th-December 22nd. It’s my mom’s Christmas present to me. We’re going together, just me and her. I’m pretty excited. I think we might go see Spamalot on Broadway. I’m not sure yet.

I’ll have lots of pictures to post when I get back from break, I’m sure.

I probably won’t post again until the New Year, unless something remarkable happens.

I’ll leave you with a few favorite quotes by my favorite author J.D. Salinger.

***

“This fall I think you’re riding for—it’s a special kind of fall, a horrible kind. The man falling isn’t permitted to feel or hear himself hit bottom. He just keeps falling and falling. The whole arrangement’s designed for men who, at some time or other in their lives, were looking for something their own environment couldn’t supply them with.”
--J.D. Salinger

“I can’t be running back and forth forever between grief and high delight.”
--J.D. Salinger

"While I was walking, I passed these two guys that were unloading this big Christmas tree off a truck. One guy kept saying to the other guy, “Hold the sonuvabitch up. Hold it up for Chrissake!” It certainly was a gorgeous way to talk about a Christmas tree."
--J.D. Salinger